Waxy Skillet
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Voice of Viet Nam: ESCAP produces optimistic forecast for Vietnam
Update: Bush announces “Iraq next Vietnam”
Shortly after releasing the Economic and Social Commission for Asia and the Pacific’s review of economic growth in Thailand and Southeast Asia, the Whitehouse announced that it expected Iraq to become America’s next Vietnam. “The report pegs Vietnam’s growth in GDP at 7.5% and provides an optimistic forecast for 2004 even as it commends Vietnam for successful debt- reduction” said Whitehouse Spokesman Scott McClellan, “ We are expecting Iraq to achieve similar levels of growth in the next five to eight years.” Stated McClellan: “While we do not expect Iraq to achieve the growth that characterized postwar Germany and Japan, we sincerely expect Iraq to be our next Vietnam and we are doing everything in our power to encourage this.”
In other news, Libya has now provided the world community with additional information regarding its covert operations, accepting blame for the Backstreet Boys, New Coke and the entire Knight Rider television series.
Los Angeles Times: Mars Rover Finds Rock Like Meteorites on Earth
Update: Mars Rover Finds Abandoned Taco Bell
Washington— The NASA Rover Opportunity has uncovered evidence of what may have been an early Taco Bell on the far side of Mars' Meridiani Planum crater. Using the same Moessbauer spectrometer applied to the “Bounce” rock discovered on 16 April, Opportunity identified the likely remains of a Fresco Style Beef Gordita Supreme wrapper, now called the “Gigli” wrapper. Christian Schroeder, an active participant in the Mars Rover missions stated “What we have here is the first evidence of an interstellar fast food operation. We are now actively searching for the rest of that gordita and possibly some nachos. A full taco, however petrified, would be a great find.” NASA has announced plans to send a new Rover to Mars early next year in order to search for other fast food restaurants. This second mission, dubbed “Operation Yo Quiero” may or may not lead to the establishment of a competitive Krispy Kreme outpost on Demios, one of Mars’ two moons. “We were considering Phobos, or possibly Venus” stated Schroeder, “but real-estate prices are through the roof right now.”
Friday, April 16, 2004
CNN: Li'l Kim charged in rap-rivalry shootout
Update: 50 Cent charged with possession of long range surface to air missiles
New York—Shortly after Li’l Kim was arraigned in court, Rapper 50 Cent was arrested for possession of at least two ballistic missiles. These missiles, each with a range of over 150 KM, were owned by the rapper in contravention of several laws including New York penal code §§ 265.02 and 265.10 as well as 18 U.S.C. § 922 and U.N. Security Council Resolution 687. At the time of his arrest, 50 Cent, who wears a portable bunker and who claims to have been hit by several short-range missiles over the course of his life, pointed out a section toward the top of each missile where 50’s name was spelled out in ½ carat diamonds. When asked about the diamonds, specialists at the Air Force Weapons Laboratory indicated that they had little effect on the lethal nature of the missile and served only to vastly increase its bling.
Los Angeles Times: Air America Programs Still Off the Air in LA
Update: Al Franken’s Pirate Radio Van Ticketed for Parking in Restricted Area During Street Cleaning
Los Angeles—Al Franken’s Chevrolet V-20 was given a $25 ticket for parking on West 1st street at 3:30 in the morning during street cleaning. Franken was reportedly in the van at this time, broadcasting the O’Franken Factor over a five block radius. The FCC, informed of the illegal station, asked reporters to check on the status of the van at eight in the morning. “We might get someone to ticket it for obstructing traffic if it’s still parked on 1st but I don’t think that we’re going to bother before rush hour.” Asked about the van, Franken indicated complete ownership although he was still paying off the transmitter and antenna. “Both the transmitter and Antenna are from Radio Shack. The van was my cousin’s.” Reportedly Franken arrived at the idea of a Pirate radio station after watching several re-runs of “Pump Up the Volume” midweek. He also indicated his determination to park “far, far away from” vehicles bearing conservative bumper stickers “It will be difficult in the Midwest, but I don’t want anyone to mistake this for a conservative van.”
In other news, Bill O’Rielly just purchased the “BigFoot” Monster truck. “I don’t plan to use it for a Pirate Station” he said, “But I am putting one hell of a set of subwoofers in the back.” O’Reilly further offered to lend Franken some gas money “If he needs it.”
Thursday, April 15, 2004
ESPN News: Under fire, Bonds eyes history
Update: Gatorade to Sponsor New Barry Bonds Urinalysis Commercial
San Francisco—Gatorade unveiled a new ad campaign today, listing Barry Bonds as Gatorade’s newest spokesman. Advertising firm Ogilvy & Mather will produce the commercials, which feature Bonds filling a bladder— worn under Bonds’ arm as he gives a urine sample— with Gatorade. Under analysis, the Gatorade “sample” will glow, displaying the Gatorade lightning logo even as the urinalysis device begins to sweat the bright plasma associated with other Gatorade commercials. Viewers will then see Bonds swing at the plate, connecting bat with ball as an announcer remarks on a clean hit. The commercial closes with the “Gatorade—Is it in you?” tagline. Ogilvy & Mather representatives did not comment on rumored production of a new “Gatorade Clean” beverage.
Bloomberg: UK and Italy Reject Purported Bin Laden Tape's Truce Offer
Update: Bin Laden Counteroffers: No attacks on Tuesdays and free meal tickets at Arby’s.
Paris—al-Jazeera has now broadcast two successive tapes ascribed to al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. While the first tape included an open truce offer toward European countries that “do not attack Muslim countries”, the second tape promises, among other things, no “attacks on Tuesdays”, no “Attack-backs” and free meal Tickets to Arby’s restaurants where available. Analysts assume that this second offer has been elicited in response overwhelming European rejection of the first truce offer. “We are holding out for something better,” stated French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, “Donald Trump is backing us on this… we’re big fans of The Apprentice.” European leaders expect that a third offer is in the works, possibly involving publishing rights to a Waldo-style “Where’s Osama?” book series and access to Bin Laden’s popular WMD-starter set.
In related news, the CIA is still conducting analysis of this second tape. CIA insiders have stated “We are not sure yet whether is second message really comes from Bin Laden but it sounds awesome when you push his voice through our Barney the Dinosaur filter.”
Computer Business Review Online: Twenty Holes Plugged on Microsoft Patch Day
Update: Microsoft Develops new Nicotine Patch
Redmond, CA—Microsoft marked its entry into pharmaceuticals today, developing a new nicotine patch which is said to “reduce desire for all standard nicotine delivery mechanisms.” Microsoft has admitted that the patch— a reflective, four panel design intended to be worn over the stomach—may not address nicotine delivered through nonstandard mechanisms. “It is entirely possible,” Microsoft stated, “that users, while safe from cigarettes and chewing tobacco, could become addicted to nicotine laced chewing gum or…in some cases… cigars that can be purchased at convenience stores in Virginia.” Microsoft estimates that it will finish developing a second “cigar” patch, to be worn along with the first, by mid-2005.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Reuters: Bush Says June 30 Iraq Deadline Central to U.S. Plan
Update: White House Re-asserts June 30 deadline, switches Calendars.
In a press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated that the United States would move from a Gregorian to an Islamic calendar system in order to ensure the transfer of power to Iraqi authorities by the June 30 deadline.
“June 30 is the 151st day of our calendar year, which begins on January 1st. The Islamic New Year, however, is celebrated 51 days later on February 21st. By observing the Islamic calendar, we can push the June 30 transfer date out another 51 days, to August 21st-- 151 days into the Islamic year. In this way, we can shift our own “June 30” date to August 21st merely by switching calendars.” After pausing, he added, “By switching to the Islamic calendar, we can be sure to meet our June 30 date, even if June 30 occurs in late August.”
John Kerry called a press conference in order to condemn the President for his “hasty, unilateral choice of calendars”, indicating that he would prefer either the Julian calendar abandoned by Turkey in 1927 or the Star Date calendar popularized by the Star Trek television show.
Washington Post: Microsoft Finds New Windows Security Flaws
Update: Microsoft elaborates: Computers to become giant killer robots
This morning, Microsoft clarified its 13 April statement regarding recently discovered security flaws in its Windows Platform. Mark Martin, spokesman for Microsoft, indicated that a new set of "security holes" allowed more than standard remote control of personal desktops. “Basically, hackers can turn even the smallest desktop computer into a giant killer robot. We recommend that everyone run for their lives.” When asked about laptops and peripherals, Mr. Martin indicated that, while PDA’s run on a different platform, it is entirely possible that many laptops running Windows XP could be transformed into “Either irritating, emotive robots along the lines of Bicentennial Man or those winged monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, whichever…” Mr. Martin further indicated that he hoped the problem could be solved with a patch, called Longhorn, that will be "absolutely available by 2006 at the very, very latest."
Washington Post: Kerry Says Bush Policies Drove Tuitions Up
Challenger Urges President to Turn to International Body in Setting Iraq's Course
Update: President Bush requests additional funding for War Colleges
Stung by John Kerry’s simultaneous attack on the war in Iraq and increases in college tuition, President Bush issued a request to congress yesterday, seeking $3.5B for expansion of the military’s war college program. “We feel that this is the proper response to pressing needs on both fronts and plan to develop satellite campuses in such places as Baghdad, Kabul, and Berkeley, CA.” Bush assured reporters that these colleges, despite a focus on war, would strive to become bastions of liberal thought. “It will be just like Oberlin… but with guns…” Democrats in Pinellas County, Florida responded approvingly even as Edna McCall announced her move to an undisclosed location.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
NY Times: 13 April 2004 April 13, 2004 Timing of Clinton Memoir Is Everything, for Kerry
Update:
Kerry Campaign “Concerned” about May Release of Shrek 2
Los Angeles—Insiders have expressed concern over the May release of Shrek 2, indicating that it may be the first in a string of summer blockbusters, all positioned to overshadow John Kerry’s campaign for the Presidency. Several campaign sources expect that Kerry’s early May position on Iraq will be lost to middle class voters, all of whom will trade the lovable, tube-eared Pixar character for Harry Potter in early June and then Spiderman 2, which opens the day after the Democratic convention ends in Boston. Presently, say campaign insiders, Kerry’s campaign has been overshadowed by Kerry alone, including Kerry’s skiing stumble, Kerry’s shoulder surgery and the ecumenical questions regarding Kerry’s ability to receive the Eucharist during Easter services. ‘The summer movie series really represents the first external force that will draw voters away from John Kerry… prior to this it was really a matter of repulsion.”
On a positive note, the Kerry campaign assumes that it will keep the Boston media market. “Nobody in Boston will be able to travel in the convention-induced gridlock and we expect little or no theater attendance during the month of June.”
