Waxy Skillet
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Chicago Sun-Times: Intention of uniting with Taiwan to be put in writing
Update: China makes mix tape for Taiwan
Beijing, China: Chinese leaders spent Friday night making a mix tape for Taiwan—a move experts say is designed to patch a growing rift between the two countries. While reporters have not been able to obtain a copy of the mix tape, Chinese VP Zeng Qinghong held a short press conference this morning where he described a painstaking creation process. “A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to hold the attention. Then you have to take it up a notch, but not blow your wad, so maybe cool it off a notch, and you can't put the same artist twice on the tape, except if some subtle point or lesson or theme involved” He added: “in our case, the theme was international relations and peace in the Tawian strait so we knew how difficult this was going to be”
Chinese leaders admitted to working with a limited lexicon: “There’s lots of new music in China right now but we are not too familiar with it. President Hu suggested some of the standards like Reddest the Sun, I Love the Blue Sky of My Motherland, or Sweet-scented Osmanthus Blooms with the Arrival of Happiness, but we felt that these were all out of date so we’ve included some Dao Lhang and Zhou Jielun.” Mr. Zeng would not confirm the presence of a rumored Menudo song on the album “We will say that someone suggested Tu Te Imaginas but we won’t say whether we used it.”
Voice of America: Diplomats: Iran Trying to Hide Nuclear Facilities
Update: Iran to host unexpected Christo exhibition
Tehran, Iran: One day after “The Gates” were disassembled in New York, Iranian diplomats announced that environmental artist Christo has agreed to start his next project in Iran. Christo, who was to start on his “Across the River” project in Arizona, confirmed the rumor. “President Khatami called me a few days ago, and told me that he would consider it a personal honor for me to commit to a project in his country. I’ve never taken requests before but he told me that it could lead to a renaissance in Persian art.” When asked about the particular project, Christo conceded that the details of the project are not clear “They want me to do something small in Parchin, a few miles outside Tehran but I’m not sure. They mentioned wrapping a post office or maybe a small building.. we still need to negotiate this, of course.” Iranian diplomats described themselves as “Just thrilled” at Christo’s agreement. Vice President Aref stated “We recognize that this is very unusual for Christo and we are more than willing to help out. We already have the perfect building and we’ve got this leftover fabric here. It’s a new material really, lead lined.. it will look beautiful against the skyline”
In other news, protests in Lebanon gained new momentum today after Syrian diplomats threatened to replace departing Prime Minister Omar Karameh with 1990’s wacky mallet comedian Gallagher.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Reuters: Bill Gates to Receive Honorary UK Knighthood
Update: Bill Joy “upset” at inability pull floppy disk from stone in courtyard
London, England: Sun Microsystems CEO Bill Joy was frustrated in his own attempt at knighthood shortly after Bill Gates removed a floppy disk from a stone in Leicester Abbey. Joy, who arrived in London minutes before Gate’s knighting ceremony, drove directly to the Abbey where he made several attempts to grasp and retrieve a 5 ¼” square disk set in one of the courtyard stones. A crowd nearby gave Joy a round of applause after his fifth attempt, prompting him to announce a trip to Corwall, to seek a rumored second stone said to be plagued with an unusually sticky CD button. Joy expressed further relief upon hearing that Gate’s knighting ceremony had been delayed after the Queen forgot her ceremonial speech, reportedly freezing mid-sentence.
In other news, Steve Jobs has succeeded in designing a small alabaster stone for use in future Cathedral construction. “We are getting orders for restoration and repair work” said Jobs “even though this stone is totally incompatible with most other building materials.”
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Reuters: WorldCom's Ebbers says unaware expenses a problem
Update: Ebbers: “I’m totally switching my long distance phone service.”
New York: Shortly after facing accusations regarding an $11B accounting scandal at Worldcom, former CEO Bernie Ebbers admitted that he too was shocked at his phone bills. “It must have been the roaming charges or maybe that broadband account…I thought that I was going to get a good deal after WorldCom merged with MCI … I never expected this.”
The remarks were made during witness testimony regarding financial management practices at Worldcom. Ebbers, dressed in a pinstripe suit, repeatedly stated that he could not hear the judge, complaining of static and requesting that “the nice man in the long gray overcoat” come and help him out. Later he took a bundle of bills from his pocket and shook them in the air. “This is what I get for making those calls during peak hours,” he said “why didn’t I become CEO of Cingular?” Scheduled witnesses include physicist Stephen Hawking, who is slated to testify that it is possible— when traveling at near the speed of light— to accumulate over 22 billion out of network overtime minutes in the space of several days.
Globe and Mail: Bin Laden enlists al-Zarqawi to target US, officials say
Update: Bin Laden to al-Zarqawi: “Um, yeahh…I'm gonna need you go ahead and come in tomorrow. Sooo if you could be here around nine, that would be great.”
Najaf: Intelligence sources indicate that wiretaps recorded in Najaf last Tuesday may contain conversations between Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his next door neighbor, Lawrence. Zarqawi, who disappeared from Najaf shortly after visiting his therapist is said to have seemed “really bummed” about the new orders from Bin Laden. “He seemed unsurprised by the call” said one analyst, “but he’d been trying to avoid it and was in the process of ducking out early for afternoon prayers when the call came through.”
“He should have turned his answering machine off” added the source, “he’s probably going to end up working Sunday as well.”
In other news, North Korean diplomats reassured reporters that any recent comments regarding a bomb were purely in reference to the Ben Affleck vehicle “Surviving Christmas,” which has just reached the Asian media market.
