Waxy Skillet
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Seattle Times, WA: Disney theme-park ride sends some to hospital
Update: Disney to close “Room of Hatchets” Ride, Additional Rides.
Orlando, Fl—Walt Disney World spokeswoman Rena Langley has announced that Disney is closing several Epcot Center and Disneyland Rides in addition to the ‘Mission to Space’ ride closed earlier this week. These rides, which include ‘Room of Hatchets,’ ‘Closet with Crazy Person’ and ‘Oops,’ while popular with Disney guests, have been suspended barring major revisions in the wake of several fatalities. “ ‘Room of Hatchets’ was one of our earliest rides” stated Langley “We developed it in the early days, when we were on a budget.. it is basically a room full of hatchets. As visitors enter, the hatchets begin to swing up and down before flinging themselves back and forth from wall to wall—we thought that it had a ‘Snow White’-meets-‘Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ feel to it but apparently, many of the guests kept ducking at the wrong time.” ‘Oops’ and ‘Closet with Crazy Person’ suffered the same problems despite height and age requirements and multiple posted warnings including the proviso “You will most likely die as soon as you step into this room.” “ We can’t figure it out,” said Langley, “These were clean, wholesome rides and this has become a fiasco, just like our ‘Bucket O’ Glass Space Launch’ two years back.”
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Guardian: Gore TV targets US twentysomethings
Update: Al Gore releases new reality TV series, ‘Extinction’
Washington, DC—Shortly after announcing IndTV’s acquisition of News World International from Vivendi, Al Gore outlined at least one show planned for the fall. “It is a survivor-type series,” said Gore, “… only, instead of tracking the struggles faced by a pack of twenty-somethings in the Australian outback, we are gong to train our cameras on several species of plants and animals, observing their real-life struggles with pollution and development. We are calling it ‘extinction’ and its going to totally rock.” In response to reporter questions, Gore admitted that the show’s schedule would be somewhat different “While we are concentrating on endangered species, we plan to have a five-to- ten year contest window… there will be some time lapse photography but we are going to try to make it as real as possible—think of it like the show “24” but now its “43,829” or, in the ten year version “87,658”… how cool is that?” Asked about contestants, Gore named two species of tree frog, the California Condor and one species of endangered Lichen. Prizes have not been determined at this time but could include a new stereo system or tickets to a shopping spree at REI.
Reuters, UK: For Aging Hubble, Basic Questions About Universe
Update: Aging Hubble loses focus, keeps recounting same information about Star System
Greenbelt, MD— NASA researchers disclosed recent problem with the Hubble Space telescope this morning, admitting that the telescope, in service since 1990, has begun to show signs of age, losing focus on the outer limits of the universe in favor of stars within nearby galaxies. Mark S. Hess, Chief of Public Affairs at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center stated “Every time we train the steering system to give us pictures of distant stars, it resets itself on the North American Nebula or on the Swan Nebula and it keeps feeding us the same data… old stuff about that Rayleigh-Taylor Instability it found in the Eagle Nebula back in 1996.” Hess added that “Its nice to review old data from time to time but really, we just wish that the telescope would get on with it.” In addition to tracking problems, the telescope has shown signs of trouble with its Space Telescope Imaging Spectrograph and Multi-Object Spectrometer, both of which have abandoned their standard spectra in favor of spurious readings that have, in the words of one astronomer “A tinge closer to Astroturf or maybe rayon golfing pants— something that we’ve never seen before” Goddard engineers plan to conduct a robotic servicing mission within the next two years “The robot will replace some of the Hubble batteries” said Hess, “.. and I hope that we cover the transceiver batteries because we are tired of boosting high power transmission sequences just to send simple instructions.”
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Detroit Free Press, MI: Drug discount cards go on sale
Update: Gangs, Cartels begin offering discount cards to Platinum Level customers.
Boca Raton, Fl— Cali Cartel leader Gilberto Rodriguez Orejuela unveiled a new Platinum Level Subscriber Card during a call from an undisclosed location in Colombia, telling reporters that the cards would provide credit while allowing long-term junkies and chippers to enjoy levels of service previously restricted to high-level dealers. “We feel that it is time to recognize some of our most valued customers and this seems to be the best way to do it,” said Orejuela “…cardholders will be able to receive discounts and promotional fliers while gaining the right, for example, to use the exclusive ’platinum subscriber’ lines when attempting to purchase drugs during peak periods at selected parks, streetcorners, and playgrounds.” The cards will be available by invitation only and will be released at selected locations in the US on a trial basis. Orejuela indicated that the Cartel was still pursuing negotiations with several celebrities prior to its planned September advertising drive. “We liked Jerry Seinfield and Tiger Woods but they both turned us down… we are still scouting William Shatner—we really love those Priceline commercials.”
Monday, May 03, 2004
Independent Online: Beware of exploding microwaved eggs
Update: Terrorists nabbed after Feds alerted to suspicious egg purchases.
Lititz, PA— Muhammad Atef and Saif Al-Adel were arrested this morning in connection with a new plot to place eggs in microwaves across the United States. Atef divulged the plot shortly after the two were captured near the Sauder’s Eggs warehouses in Lititz, Pennsylvania. Sauder’s employees tipped the FBI soon after the Atef and Al-Adel placed a request for ‘roughly 24 million’ cartons of eggs. “We are one of the largest poultry producers in Pennsylvania,” said Paul Sauders, President, “but that’s just crazy… I mean 24 million eggs? Not here.” The two reportedly arrived with a large truck and engaged in suspicious activity while visiting the egg production facilities “They kept asking us if we had a microwave oven,” said Sauder’s employee Carol Shields, “…they wanted that oven as a condition of purchase.. we were supposed to put an egg on high in the microwave for five to fifteen minutes because they wanted to see what our eggs did.” FBI analysts have indicated that the egg plan may indicate desperation on the part of terrorist networks such as Al Quaeda. “Both of these men are wanted in connection with the [1998] US Embassy bombings,” said one source, “ Now they’ve been reduced to eggs and microwaves.. we think that things are getting a little rough over at Al Quaeda headquarters.” In related news, Saddam Hussein divulged new information regarding his weapons programs after being forced to sit through several recent college presentations by members of the Weather Underground.
NPR: Bob Edwards Says Goodbye to 'Morning Edition'
Update: Howard Stern hires Bob Edwards after Clear Channel Imbroglio
New York — Howard Stern hired Bob Edwards as an on air commentator yesterday evening in a move sparked by the current fight between Stern’s syndication partner Viacom/ Infinity Media and Clear Channel communications, the largest radio station group in the United States. Edwards, who began hosting NPR’s Morning Edition in 1979, has admitted that the switch over to the Howard Stern show will be a ‘big shift.’ “Of course I am enthusiastic,” said Edwards, “I’ve spent twenty five years being extremely circumspect in my approach, rising at 3 or 4 in the morning to write my show for the day… here I will be using the same typewriter and the same yellow paper but I’ll get to write about porn stars and people having …intercourse with inflatable dolls and similar topics…” Howard Stern show representatives indicated that the arrangement was a win-win situation for both Edwards and the radio show “Bob’s going to be [expletive] great. There is no way that the FCC is going to [expletive] with us after we start hiring NPR personalities and besides, Edwards is going to do a great job covering all sorts of [expletive] up stuff in his trademark measured tones. It going to be [expletive] awesome.” In related news, Sylvia Poggioli will be leaving her position with NPR’s European News desk to replace Bubba the Love Sponge on WXTB-FM in Tampa.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Taipei Times, Taiwan: Google Inc announces IPO
Update: Area man wishes to submit bid for Google Stock, can’t find submission information.
Arlington, VA— James Lowells announced his intention to bid for stock in the Google IPO this morning only to spend fruitless hours searching for information on the bidding process. “ I called some friends,” said Lowells, “…and I’ve been looking in the papers but, while there’s lots of stock and company information, there seems to be very little info on the process itself.” Lowells, CEO of Kelis Inc., describes his own investment portfolio as ‘reasonably diverse’ but admits that this will be his first IPO purchase “I tend to lean toward blue chip stocks and index funds but I have a broker to help me out on most of this.” Lowells added: “This IPO is supposed to be extremely democratic and Google is allowing the public to bid so I should be able to do this directly once I find out how to bid...I'm hoping to find some information at the library on Monday” Lowells then returned to his copy of NewsWeek, which had an article about the offering.
