Detroit Free Press, MI: Drug discount cards go on sale

Update: Gangs, Cartels begin offering discount cards to Platinum Level customers.

Boca Raton, Fl— Cali Cartel leader Gilberto Rodriguez Orejuela unveiled a new Platinum Level Subscriber Card during a call from an undisclosed location in Colombia, telling reporters that the cards would provide credit while allowing long-term junkies and chippers to enjoy levels of service previously restricted to high-level dealers. “We feel that it is time to recognize some of our most valued customers and this seems to be the best way to do it,” said Orejuela “…cardholders will be able to receive discounts and promotional fliers while gaining the right, for example, to use the exclusive ’platinum subscriber’ lines when attempting to purchase drugs during peak periods at selected parks, streetcorners, and playgrounds.” The cards will be available by invitation only and will be released at selected locations in the US on a trial basis. Orejuela indicated that the Cartel was still pursuing negotiations with several celebrities prior to its planned September advertising drive. “We liked Jerry Seinfield and Tiger Woods but they both turned us down… we are still scouting William Shatner—we really love those Priceline commercials.”

- posted by JB @ 5:02 AM