Waxy Skillet
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Independent: Cut back shrubs, install locks: MI5 suggests anti-terror measures
Update: British Intelligence: “We spent most of our time hiding in shrubbery.”
London—Days after MI5 Director Eliza Manningham-Buller released anti-terrorist advice on a new Internal Security Service website, several MI5 affiliates have issued statements critical of the recommendations, indicating that widespread pruning and defoliation will endanger many prime intelligence gathering operations across the U.K. “We spend most of our time hiding in shrubbery and we are very good at it,” said one agent, “but if people begin cutting down this foliage, where are we going to go? Even if we are asked to work in secret, high tech trash cans or cardboard boxes to support new operations, I don’t see how were are going to replace all of that foliage.” The agent added, “who wants to see piles of cardboard boxes everywhere...it just wouldn’t work.” Manningham-Buller indicated that Internal Security had several options and was considering re-engineering the red telephone boxes for spying purposes “I mean, they would have the glass painted out with our secret one-way paint and they would be locked so nobody could barge in to make a call, but we could get one back on every street corner in a few years.” Agents were unenthused: “Its foliage or nothing as far as I’m concerned… we’ve talked this over and even tried to negotiate. Agent 15 even suggested hiding in window boxes but nobody seems to be listening.” In related news, the MI5 security recommendations have led to a boom in the landscaping business, resulting in pitched battles between landscaping contractors and Arbor Day Foundation members in London’s Hyde Park.
Friday, April 30, 2004
Washington Post, DC: Va. Man Wins Spammer's Porsche
Update: WebExtractor, MailSoft creators flood Charles S. Chase’s Inbox with unwanted mail
Richmond, VA—Charles S. Chase, the winner of an AOL-auctioned 2002 Porsche Boxter S, has been deluged with emails that might allow him to win $$$ while losing weight, enhancing personal size, and helping out rich but endangered Nigerian government officials. Representatives for WebExtractor, MailSoft and Bulk Email Broadcaster claimed no knowledge of the inbound emails while officials at AOL admitted that publicizing Chase’s identity “may not have been the best idea.” Chase is receiving 2000 to 3000 emails per day, a torrent unimpeded by spam software and email filters. “It doesn’t seem to matter that I’ve switched my account three times,” said Chase, “… they seem to be able to find me.. I shouldn’t even be doing this interview.” AOL obtained the Porsche after suing a spam provider and chose to auction the car in order to attract attention to the new AOL 9.0 platform. Investigators suggest that Chase may have been targeted as a result of the auction. “It’s like a spam Mafia,” said US Attorney Robert J. Krask, “We'll track this down but he’s going to have a difficult few months.” Just as the interview ended, a line of mail delivery vehicles pulled into Chase’s driveway in order to deliver approximately 16,000 sales inserts and replicated JCrew catalogs. “This is the horses head,” said Krask, “This is just the beginning.”
Seattle Times: US shift on salmon could cut protection
Update: Nemo, sidewalk mural of whale counted as salmon.
Washington, DC— Insiders report that a new salmon policy, due to be released by the National Marine Fisheries Service in June, will attempt to count the Pixar character Nemo, ‘tasteful’ whale murals, brass salmon sculptures and, possibly, ‘selected bumper-stickers’ as wild salmon. The revised definition may lead to increased wild salmon counts and eventual delisting as a protected species under the EPA’s Endangered Species Act. Speaking on behalf of the Fisheries Service, Bob Lohn, NMFS regional director, asserted that “Salmon are really a concept that has both urban and rural dimensions... We feel that the older, limited definition of salmon does not properly reflect salmon’s social impact. If we are going to work to preserve wild salmon for hikers and environmentalists then we should work to preserve all forms of salmon.” The move sparked sharp protest from environmental groups including the Sierra Club, Trout Unlimited, EarthJustice, and Ocean Voice International. Jeff Curtis, western conservation director for Trout Unlimited, stated “This is just nuts, wait.. I think I’ll draw a picture… that’s one salmon, now two salmon.. hold on...” Shown Curtis’ drawings, Lohn agreed: “Those are some fine salmon, except for this one, which looks more like a bad pancake or maybe a Spock bobble-head doll.” Lohn then pulled out a clipboard and counted the salmon as he made ticks on a piece of paper.
Forbes: Roaring gasoline drives oil prices higher
Update: Gun sales up, more people “shootin at some food”
Rockville, MD—Gun dealers report sharp sales increases over the last month and many suggest that the increases are driven by customers who plan to spend most of their time hunting, missing wildlife, and shooting into the dirt. “Its very odd,” said Atlantic guns owner George Schneider, “but we’ve seen lots of men drive up in some pretty expensive cars to look at guns. They all walk in wearing overalls. Big straw hats seem in this spring.” He added that many customers are looking for rabbit guns, a big departure from the target and match shooting crowd that frequents his shop. Asked about the sales, Smith Barney analyst Kenneth Laiting suggested that the purchases may be less related to rabbit hunting and more related to oil. “We have a big tradition in this country of incidental oil discovery,” said Laiting, “and so its not surprising that higher oil prices are going to draw more people into the field.” Laiting added that “this is an interesting time to get into discovery since most of the major oil companies have phased out their rifle divisions in favor of techniques such as seismic analysis.” Lee R. Raymond, president of Exxon Mobil agreed, “It was just a year or two ago that I’d grab a gun and go out in my backyard but I just don’t have time now and our seismic division is really getting us better results.” “Still,” he added, “I’d like to get out at some point this summer with a bottle of scotch and my rabbit gun and unload fifteen, maybe 20 rounds in the ground… who knows, I might get lucky.”
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Forbes: US to appeal WTO cotton ruling 'all the way'
Update: US states WTO “Will be beggin’ for mercy once it steps into this ring.”
Geneva— Robert Zoellick, US Representative to the World Trade Organization, challenged the Deputy Director of the WTO to a fight last night, climbing into a makeshift ring on the Rue de Lausanne, and announcing: "The WTO is in for a beat down... come on [Roderick] Abbot, step in the ring and get a taste of some WTO pain!” Abbot, Deputy Director General of the WTO, responded by throwing a chair at Zoellick, yelling: “You got beat three times this year and you want to get beat again? Bring it on!”
Commentators indicate that the fight stems from a series of steel and wheat tariff arguments which escalated after Abbot tackled Zoellick during a GMO-panel discussion in Brussels. “This dispute over cotton is the last straw,” said Indian trade specialist Suneel Kumar, “The EU Power Bloc feels that the United States has overstepped its bounds. Even the British are siding with us.”
Informed of Britain’s decision on the cotton dispute, Zoellick responded with a disjointed speech: “The Eagle says this: British Bulldog, you think you're just going to have your way with the Eagle; you think the Eagle is just another knucklehead standing on the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive? …[that] you're just going to go on to the WTO title? Well, the Eagle says this: nobody cares about you! …they only care about ONE MAN being the WTO champion!” Zoellick then picked up a microphone stand and tossed it into the crowd before jumping out of the ring and running at Abbot. At least one witness at the scene stated: “The Eagle is looking to lay the smackdown, and it's not even Thursday night!”
Information Week: Dell And SAP Expand Partnership
Update: Benjamin Curtis to run SAP consulting division
Walldorf, Germany—In a surprise move, Dell Computers and SAP AG announced that, under terms of a new partnership agreement, Benjamin Curtis, the actor who portrayed Dell sales associate ‘Steven’ in Dell’s commercials, will be heading SAP Consulting. In a post-agreement press conference, CEO Michael Dell stated: “As soon as Dell and SAP agreed to migrate enterprise clients from UNIX platforms to Dell-branded Linux or Windows platforms, we realized that we faced a hard sell both to investors and SAP clients, all of whom are aware of the wealth of competing hardware options that become available when a company shifts its IT infrastructure… that’s where Steven— I mean Mr. Curtis— comes in.” SAP CEO Henning Kagermann agreed, “Just hours after we announced this move, we received several calls from established US clients as well as potential customers. The NYPD just called us and we think that they may want to shift over to one of our SAP tracking platforms.” While Curtis was unavailable for comment, specialists at Gibory, SAP’s advertising agency, were enthused. “Steven was noted for his ability to state the obvious and here we will be dealing with the obvious need for Dell-based SAP enterprise solutions.” Emmanuelle Collin, marketing director at Gibroy, noted that they were already working on Mr. Curtis’ own press release “We are thinking of using ‘Dude, you’ve got a company’,” said Collin, “but 'Dude, you need an SAP strategic organizational realignment in order to develop metrics for measuring project success’ has a certain ring to it.”
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Washington Post: Beyond the Duck Hunt
Update: Cheney may have borrowed lawn tools, newspapers from Souter, Stevens.
Washington, DC— Controversy surrounding the Scalia/ Cheney duck hunt escalated this morning when it was revealed that the Vice President borrowed lawn tools, several morning newspapers, and at least two bags of un-ground coffee from Justices David Souter and John Paul Stevens. Souter released this information during a C-Span interview when he noted that Cheney, Stevens and Souter were neighbors “a few years back.” Asked about the lawn tools, Stevens indicated that Cheney borrowed his lawnmower on at least two occasions as well as an extension ladder, a hedge trimmer, and a grill lighter “He was always coming over,” said Stevens, “…we used to have barbeques and the Cheneys lived up the block. He was better with the painting tools and I was better on the lawn care so I’ve borrowed some of his dropcloths and brushes and he’s borrowed the riding mower.” Stevens added that the extension ladder “was a real victory, though.” Responding to questions from reporters, Souter indicated that Cheney had picked up his newspaper while he was away on vacation “because I’d forgotten to cancel service for that week and I didn’t want [the papers] piling up on the front porch…” Cheney, busy with Donald Rumsfeld’s weed trimmer, could not be reached for comment on this article.
Reuters, UK: Gaddafi to visit EU headquarters
Update: Gaddafi attends EU regulatory meeting by accident, expresses confusion over seed standardization memo review
Brussels— Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi took a wrong turn in the EU Headquarters’ Breydel Building yesterday, walking past the room designated for his meeting with attachés to Belgian Foreign Minister Louis Michel and stopping at a scheduled meeting of the Standing Committee on Seeds and Propagating Material for Agriculture, Horticulture and Forestry. “We were just setting up,” said Committee Director Marcantonio Valvassori, “and he walked in.. we did not recognize him as the Libyan leader and instead thought that he was some sort of observer.” The standing committee proceeded with its second-tier update review of Commission Directive 2002/53/EC, revisiting the sub-issue of whether a maize blend should be listed, as many varietal associations are listed, as a ‘pollination dependent hybrid.’ Gaddafi, who is fluent in French, remained seated for most of the meeting, maintaining a stoic expression long after it became clear that he was in the wrong room. “It was really awkward,” said Valvassori, “but we didn’t want to be impolite and he didn’t seem to want to leave so we just proceeded… he totally didn’t get my joke about the regulatory ‘maize’ that we were facing and he may even have drifted off during the when we started talking about fallout from the 2003 OECD AGR/CA/S/A meeting…Lang passed a note saying that we should all do something weird, like sit on the floor or turn and face the window to see whether he would do the same but then we just let it drop.”
Staff at the Breydel Building indicated that such mistakes are a regular problem “Meeting rooms change all the time,” said one staffer, “he’s just lucky that he didn’t get lost in the Justus Lipsius building…end up in the wrong hallway there and you’ll get torn up... especially during lunch.”
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Reuters: Olsen Twins Sue Acclaim Over Video Game Royalties
Update: Olsen Twins to Star in New Grand Theft Auto Video Game
Hollywood, CA—Sisters Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have just signed a contract with Rockstar North/ Take-Two Interactive, allowing Rockstar to use their likenesses in a new version of Grand Theft Auto slated for release in the fall of 2007. Under terms of the contract, the Olsen Twins will grant Rockstar the right to create Mary Kate and Ashley player-characters, each of whom will begin the game with pump action shotguns, pastel ceramic jackets and, according to one Rockstar source, moderate platform shoes. Each player-character will work its way through a crime ridden underworld, negotiating with and occasionally killing criminals, bystanders and unspecified authority figures while building their own crime network. Robert Thorne, one of the co-founders of the Olsen Twins’ DualStar Entertainment Group, indicated that the Olsen twins agreed to Rockstar’s offer after losing on a deal that would have placed the Olsens in Tarantino’s ‘Kill Bill’ series. “This video game will assist Mary Kate and Ashley in their transition from a youth to an adult media market,” said Thorne, “...and besides, we have been assured that they will be able to go up against Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff.”
Detroit Free Press: Yankees mystified by their failure to hit
Update: Yoda removed from Yankees Stadium, faces Disciplinary Hearing for game interference
New York, NY— Yankees Stadium Officials confirmed Yoda’s removal from Yankees stadium Sunday afternoon following the Yankees loss to the Boston Red Sox. Jerry Laveroni, director of Yankee team security indicated that stadium officials surrounded the elderly Jedi, who had apparently traveled through time from a point “far, far away” in an attempt to assist the Red Sox. Said Laverioni, “We believe that he may have gotten wind of Larry Lucchino’s description of the Yankees as ‘The Evil Empire’ and may have, well, misinterpreted it a bit.” Stadium officials indicated that Yoda may have used a mysterious force to add weight to the bats of Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams while possibly working to interfere with fielding. “He may have been in the stands for a few days and certainly influenced the Yankees loss last Friday [23 April].” stated one official. Yoda, identified by other fans prior to his removal, agreed to go quietly after stadium officials confronted him with Uri Geller who reportedly asked Yoda for a spoon. Yoda indicated that he sensed ‘much fear’ in Geller and the security team but otherwise said little on his exit from the ballpark. His hearing is scheduled for Thursday. In related news, an x-wing fighter landed on beachfront property near the Mahou Riviera section of Malibu yesterday, reportedly “really pissing off Barbara Streisand.”
Monday, April 26, 2004
San Francisco Chronicle: Jerry Springer' opera to premiere at Orpheum
Update: ‘MacNeil Lehrer News Hour’ opera to premiere at Los Angeles Opera
Los Angeles—Los Angeles Opera President Frank Baxter announced that an opera based on the popular news program ‘The MacNeil Lehrer News Hour’ will debut in the Spring of 2005. Fans of the popular news and opinion show will be able to chart the production history from the original coverage of the Senate Watergate hearings in 1973 through MacNeil’s departure from the show in 1995. Placido Domingo, General Director of the Los Angeles Opera, has indicated that this opera will run the gamut from comedy to tragedy and will feature a cast of dozens, covering guests from Fidel Castro to Alan Keyes, who appeared several times as a commentator on the PBS show. “We expect that this opera will receive widespread critical acclaim once it catches on,” stated Domingo, “This is going to be so much better than our C-Span opera two years ago… we’ve learned from our attempt to reinvent ‘BookNotes’ in operatic form.” In related news, Turner Networks has agreed to sponsor a new version of “Dukes of Hazzard: A Stephen Sondeim Muscial” which will be broadcast live from Winter Garden Theatre in New York in 2008.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Calgary Herald: Credit card fights fraud with voice recognition
Update: Arguments with Voice Recognition Credit Cards Surpass Cellphones as Public Nuisance.
Wilmington, DE— Earlier this morning, Cathy Aikens stood at a Safeway Checkout counter, arguing with her voice-recognition credit card as a line of impatient shoppers grew behind her. “Apparently, the card thought that she’d bought enough stuff” said Michael Scott-Patterson “...from where I was in line, I could hear it giving her heat about a box of Entemanns cookies, saying that she didn’t need that box and that she was always sneaking food and why did she have to get rid of the Visa Card because things were just working out again and she was always blocking... real rough stuff... it was extremely personal.” Added Scott-Patterson: “It went on for ten minutes and we just stood there until she could complete her transaction… it took forever. Some people clapped when she was done…the card cursed us out.”
Such conflicts are becoming familiar as credit card customers sign up for voice recognition security cards. New polls suggest that arguments between customers and their credit cards have replaced public cellphone conversations as America’s leading nuisance. “The conversations can be very intense because the card has the upper hand.” stated Dr. Alix Wallace, transaction psychologist for MasterCard, “The cards will allow or disallow the transaction and you can’t really switch to another card because the voice cards will either cease to cooperate on future transactions or, in some circumstances, will actively screw with the credit rating. It’s a very aggressive relationship… these cards are mad with power.” Wallace suggested that current credit card holders reconsider using the cards, instead contacting their credit agencies in order to get a special issue old-style or “classic” card. In the event that a cardholder is in a relationship with an aggressive voice card, Wallace recommended credit counseling. “These cards have issues…they often feel used and think that it is just a money thing…” Asked about her situation, Aikens agreed with Wallace: “It was mean... this whole thing about the cookies...I was upset the whole way home and it would not talk to me… its just sat there in my purse humming that new ‘Life Ain’t Nothing But Digits and Money’ song like some little thug.” “Don’t tell the card,” said Aikens, “but I think that I’m going to switch back to my old Discover Card, [the voicecard] can go out with all the Platinum Visa Hotties it wants but it won’t be coming back to my house in the morning.”
