Waxy Skillet
Saturday, April 24, 2004
New York Times: Postal Service to End Sponsorship of Armstrong's Cycling Team
Update: US Postal Service to Sponsor Nation’s First Segway Racing Team
Cambridge, MA— Soon after announcing the end to sponsorship of the Postal Service bicycle racing team, Postal Service spokesman Gerry McKiernan announced that the $6 million per year previously given to the Lance Armstrong and his teammates would now be shifted to the sport of Segway Racing. “We expect to sponsor a team within the next year,” stated McKiernan, “We’ve been scouting teams in Boston and San Diego and we’ve seen some fast platforms.” The Postal Service indicated that the Sport of Segway was “still in its infancy, or possibly prenatal” but defended the move, noting that a Segway racing team would help the Postal Service’s re-branding mission while providing a use for the hundreds of Segways purchased in 2003. Stated McKiernan “…we’ve heard the police department is working on its own Segway racing team, and there is likely to be a UPS team in the next few years so we’ve got to keep up.”
Friday, April 23, 2004
Boston Globe: Bush, Kerry trade charges on Earth Day
Update: Bush, Kerry switch off in Drum Circle
Washington, DC—Sitting with up to thirty Georgetown university students in a large circle near the National Monument, George W. Bush and John Kerry took turns as drum circle leaders yesterday afternoon. The President and Presidential Candidate spent fifteen minutes each participating in an unscripted drumming exhibition, backed enthusiastically by students who played along, humming the word “om” during the two solo breaks which were quickly subsumed in the resonant if repetitive clatter of the circle. “It was the coolest thing,” said Georgetown student Tyler Mays, “We totally stopped playing frisbee and came over here once the President showed up… we were like, ‘dude it’s the President… what’s he doing here’...” Polls after the circle, showed the students split on the relative merits of Bush and Kerry’s drum playing, with roughly 48% in favor of Bush, 44% in favor of Kerry with 8% listed as undecided, swing drummers. In general, drummers found Bush’s robust, straight-ahead drumming to be more in the spirit of the circle while others found Kerry’s subtle rhythms to be ‘compelling if impossible to follow.’ “Clearly, Kerry wins on drumming technique,” said Sparrow Petersen, “his solo was complex and absorbing but only a few people could play with him...Bush was a little stiff but by the end he was just rockin out.”
Los Angeles Times: Second USA Today Editor Resigns Amid Scandal
Update: Remaining USA Today Employees Still Working on Flashy “Scandal” Graphic.
Washington, DC—In the days following the Jack Kelly scandal, staffers have been struggling to produce a dynamic, informative scandal graphic that will adequately convey Mr. Kelly’s impact on the newspaper. “Managing Editor Hal Ritter just resigned,” said USA Today artist Dianne Eckley, “so we were thinking of doing some sort of resignation graph, but then we have quotes from the Washington Post claiming a virus of fear and then claiming editorial laryngitis… we might do something when Jonathan Weisman gets to complaining about a head cold of fear but, man, this is difficult.” Other staffers are arguing over the merits of bar graphs vs. pie charts and open illustrations, such as the Jack Kelly fake story timeline. Presently, only a few graphics, including the “How much do we hate ourselves” graphic and the “Are we really sorry… oh yes, we’re really sorry” graphic have been prepared for production. “I like the last one” said Eckley “It’s much better than the ‘Why did we believe the story about Napalm Matches’ bar graph.”
Thursday, April 22, 2004
San Jose Mercury News: Klitschko-Sanders an intriguing bout
Update: Vitali Klitschko found unconscious in kitchen after encounter with cereal box.
Los Angeles, CA—Neighbors found Vitali Klitschko unconscious this morning, partially curled on the kitchen floor near a broken box of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies brand cereal. Klitschko woke minutes later on a gurney outside the ambulance, remarking: “I walked in the kitchen and I was getting breakfast and when I opened the cupboard that box of cereal just jumped me.” He added: “It must have gotten me pretty good.” He then passed out again as he was loaded on to the ambulance. Doctors have not commented on the case and Klaus-Peter Kohl, Klitschko’s manager, refused to consider delaying the Klitschko-Sanders fight on Saturday. Klitschko’s coach suggested that they were still investigating the incident: “First of all, we want to know whether this accident could have been arranged…that was a pretty big box of cereal. We also need to do some planning... we know that Sanders can be a little slow but he still throws combinations and can move sometimes faster than Vitali but what happens if he comes into the ring with, let’s say, a box of Wheaties or Raisin Bran?”
Los Angeles Times: Nuclear Plant Missing Parts of a Fuel Rod
Update: Wait, I think they’re in the back of my truck
Montpelier, Vt.—Three weeks after Yankee Reactor officials orchestrated an organized search for two missing fuel rod elements, employee Darryl Jeffries indicated that he may have left the items in the back of his truck. “I’m not sure what I was doing with them…” he stated, “but I’m pretty sure that they’re in my truck box… I just noticed this morning when I went out to get a screwdriver and noticed that my tape measure and socket wrench set had just about melted.” Hazmat teams have since surrounded Jeffries’ truck, which is sitting in the Yankee Reactor parking lot, as experts consider towing the truck to a hazardous waste facility in lieu of extracting the rods. Jeffries states that he’s felt no ill effects “The dog has been sick but the wife and kids have been fine... Allen— that’s my eight year old son— even deadlifted the refrigerator this morning.”
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Reuters: N.Korea's Kim Says to Be Patient, Flexible in Talks
Update: Kim Jong-il enlists Richard Simmons, develops new “Workout Video of the People.”
Beijing— During a meeting with China’s President, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il unveiled his “Workout Video of the People,” the result of a two-year collaboration between the North Korean dictator and the American fitness guru. The announcement sparked drives for similar collaborations across several countries including Uzbekistan, Zimbabwe, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Cuba, each of whom placed scouts at major aerobics hotspots across the United States and Europe. “Presently, we are scouting Kathy Smith,” stated Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak, “Fidel’s still off the top shelf—we planted an agent in Havana a few years back and he’s been guiding the scouting process. We think he’s going to try for Maura Jasper and that’s gonna’ cost him media pull outside the Boston / New York corridor.” Mubarak later admitted that Egypt was unlikely to beat North Korea’s victory with Simmons. “It’s an arms race and we are losing right now… I don’t even want to think about China’s play in this market.” Deflecting reporters who questioned him on the topic, President Hu Jintao indicated that China has not made any decisions but has considered “…leaning toward specialty videos rather than aerobics, maybe Coreboards or Bowflex or something.”
Washington Post/ White House Notebook: “Like the Kremlin, the Palestinian Authority has also outdone the White House in glasnost.”
Update: Reuters, Associated Press Label Moscow, Palestinian Authority “No Spin Zones”
Washington—Soon after culling details of the recent Bush/ Blair meeting from anonymous sources at a Tastee Freeze in St Petersburg, heads of the AP and Reuters news agencies agreed to label Moscow and the Palestinian Authority “No Spin Zones.” Geert Linnebank, Editor-in-Chief at Reuters, stated: “We were sick of this veil of silence at the White House and the terse, often opaque statements emerging from the Executive Branch. We had to go somewhere else to get our stories straight. In this case, ‘somewhere else’ turned out to be the editorial room at Pravda.” After a few meetings, Associated Press reporters were presented with evidence for dozens of stories ranging from mind-control video games developed by the CIA to profiles of the credit card biochip development firm Mondex. “Prava offered us a great deal of background information and some of it was written down,” gushed one reporter “… most of the important evidence was double spaced and presented in summaries of 800 to 2,000 words.” While the Kremlin refused to comment on these events, the Palestinian Authority expressed approval, promising its own evidence for hard-hitting news stories “…just as soon as it can be shipped from Syria.”
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
The Scotsman, UK: Damning report shows Shell hid reserves shortfalls
Update: Shell out of oil, attempts to extract petroleum from Peeps Easter candy
London—Under pressure from auditors, executives at the Royal/ Dutch Shell Group conceded this morning that they have no oil reserves whatsoever and are instead struggling to extract petroleum from Peeps-brand Easter candy. “We ran out of oil last year but were borrowing reserves from Exxon/Mobil and ELF,” stated Walter van de Vijver, head of exploration and production. “As borrowing became more expensive, we searched frantically for other materials, finally settling on Peeps.” Peeps, the familiar yellow candy widely available in Supermarkets between the months of February and May, may supply an unprecedented energy source once properly refined through the addition of unprocessed Russel Stover milk chocolate. Stated van de Vijver “Our agents located vast Peeps warehouses at several locations in the Midwest… ultrasounds of each warehouse indicate vast, high-density Peeps reservoirs and the first core samples extracted from a warehouse near Duluth yielded extremely pure, if stale, marshmallow byproduct.” “We will make a fortune,” added the visibly enthusiastic van de Vijver, “this is even better than our joint venture with Gazprom/ Lukoil.”
Washington Post: McDonald's Executive James Cantalupo Dies
Update: New McDonald’s Boss Calls for Commission Meeting
Oak Brook, Il—Insiders report that Charlie Bell, new Boss of the McDonald’s family, has called for a commission meeting that could involve up to sixteen fast food families across America. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source indicated that “It is a terrible thing that Mr. Canatlupo passed away like this but Charlie... Charlie has some new visions for the family…There are problems to address and he’s been pushing hard, for a long time, to address them.” Reported problems include competition from bakery gruppos such as Au Bon Pain and Starbucks and reported wars between the heads of the Dunkin Doughnuts and Krispy Kreme families. “What upsets us most of all,” said the source, “is this heat we’ve been getting.. so we sell a burger without the bun.. so what? So we try out one of those vegetable burgers.. so what? The other families are protesting.. Mr. Paull [Matthew H. Paull-- CFO] ended up with half a double cheeseburger in his bed...there’ve been drive by fryings… we think maybe it’s the kids, new account capos.. but its gonna stop.” He added “These are big things…nobody wants to get greased over this.”
Monday, April 19, 2004
Washington Post: FTC to Look Closer at 'Spyware': Privacy Experts Warn of Dangers to Unwitting Consumers
Update: Gator Corporation President asks: “Guess what Howard Beales was looking at last night”
Washington, DC— Soon after Howard Beales, director of the FTC's consumer protection division, announced that the FTC would begin paying attention to spyware and adware, Jeff McFadden, President and CEO of the Gator Corporation, responded in a press conference, announcing: “Guess what Mr. Beales was looking at last night… no really, go and ask him what he does with his home computer.” He added, “I’ll bet it would be very interesting… I wonder if anyone in his office knows…” Mr. Beales could not be reached for comment. McFadden indicated that reporters could find out more by logging on to the Gator Corporation home page and downloading Gator’s answer application. “It will be totally worth it… you even get a date and time indicator with the answer.”
CNN: Jesse Jackson willing to negotiate for hostages
Update: Jackson takes over Internal Affairs Division headquarters, requests Kevin Spacey
Chicago—Police report that Jesse Jackson has taken over several offices on the 20th floor of the Chicago Police Department’s Administration Building. He may be holding as many as four hostages and has refused to negotiate; issuing a general statement that he has been “set-up” by the IRS and members of his Rainbow/PUSH coalition while requesting Kevin Spacey’s presence on site. S.W.A.T. teams have surrounded the building. Kevin Spacey, busy shooting a Nokia commercial in London, could not be reached for comment. “It’s a tough situation,” said Chicago Police Department spokesman David Bayless, “Mr. Jackson’s just lost it. We can’t reach Mr. Spacey but we have called Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis as backups.” He added that Mr. Willis was currently working his way through the Administration building ductwork while Mel Gibson was running up the stairs, gun in hand, screaming “just like he did in Braveheart… or maybe The Road Warrior.”
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Miami Herald: Beverly, Mass, Residents Endure Train Horn Blasts in Test, Maybe Permanently
Update: Aging Rock Bands to be Installed At Railroad Crossings
Beverly, MA—Residents forced to endure hundreds of daily train horn blasts last week may be asked to listen to five second selections from the Whitesnake song “Here I go Again” instead. The Federal Railroad Administration, which implemented the train crossing test last week, has recruited aging rock and roll acts in an attempt to overcome marked community resistance to the 100 decibel train blasts. Steven Kulm, Director of Public Affairs for the administration indicated that the test, which has been scheduled for the next three weeks, would place as many at 6000 aging rock bands at several thousand railroad crossings around the country. “Each of these bands, from Whitesnake to Loverboy, Styx and REO Speedwagon, will be given an opportunity to perform a public service while attracting a large if relatively unwilling audience. Also, we have supplied them with access to development-stage cardiology medicine and free cups of applesauce.”
