The Scotsman, UK: Damning report shows Shell hid reserves shortfalls

Update: Shell out of oil, attempts to extract petroleum from Peeps Easter candy

London—Under pressure from auditors, executives at the Royal/ Dutch Shell Group conceded this morning that they have no oil reserves whatsoever and are instead struggling to extract petroleum from Peeps-brand Easter candy. “We ran out of oil last year but were borrowing reserves from Exxon/Mobil and ELF,” stated Walter van de Vijver, head of exploration and production. “As borrowing became more expensive, we searched frantically for other materials, finally settling on Peeps.” Peeps, the familiar yellow candy widely available in Supermarkets between the months of February and May, may supply an unprecedented energy source once properly refined through the addition of unprocessed Russel Stover milk chocolate. Stated van de Vijver “Our agents located vast Peeps warehouses at several locations in the Midwest… ultrasounds of each warehouse indicate vast, high-density Peeps reservoirs and the first core samples extracted from a warehouse near Duluth yielded extremely pure, if stale, marshmallow byproduct.” “We will make a fortune,” added the visibly enthusiastic van de Vijver, “this is even better than our joint venture with Gazprom/ Lukoil.”

- posted by JB @ 11:39 AM