Independent: Cut back shrubs, install locks: MI5 suggests anti-terror measures

Update: British Intelligence: “We spent most of our time hiding in shrubbery.”

London—Days after MI5 Director Eliza Manningham-Buller released anti-terrorist advice on a new Internal Security Service website, several MI5 affiliates have issued statements critical of the recommendations, indicating that widespread pruning and defoliation will endanger many prime intelligence gathering operations across the U.K. “We spend most of our time hiding in shrubbery and we are very good at it,” said one agent, “but if people begin cutting down this foliage, where are we going to go? Even if we are asked to work in secret, high tech trash cans or cardboard boxes to support new operations, I don’t see how were are going to replace all of that foliage.” The agent added, “who wants to see piles of cardboard boxes everywhere...it just wouldn’t work.” Manningham-Buller indicated that Internal Security had several options and was considering re-engineering the red telephone boxes for spying purposes “I mean, they would have the glass painted out with our secret one-way paint and they would be locked so nobody could barge in to make a call, but we could get one back on every street corner in a few years.” Agents were unenthused: “Its foliage or nothing as far as I’m concerned… we’ve talked this over and even tried to negotiate. Agent 15 even suggested hiding in window boxes but nobody seems to be listening.” In related news, the MI5 security recommendations have led to a boom in the landscaping business, resulting in pitched battles between landscaping contractors and Arbor Day Foundation members in London’s Hyde Park.

- posted by JB @ 8:45 AM